ocial media memories can be a fantastic way of accidentally discovering milestone days. Today, it turns out, is one year on from the day that I received the information that not only had my thesis passed, but it had done so with no typos or corrections. I have briefly mentioned this achievement in a previous post, but not really explained the magnitude of this experience. It was a tipping point that many important things in my life were balanced on, and on its anniversary it seems a fitting moment to explain a little more about this, and to reflect on the past 12 months since that moment.
My MFA degree was two years in duration, but it was generally accepted that we would only really begin the serious work on out theses in the second year, when we chose our supervisors and our time was largely devoted to one-on-one sessions with them. I was fortunate coming into the degree that I had a distinct purpose in mind for my thesis. The whole point of the degree was to give myself an opportunity to give my undivided attention to this piece, with the additional benefit of my supervisor’s experience.
I cannot stress how important a good supervisor is. We had all had workshopping experiences in first year with most of the English department, which was important information gathering that informed our choice of supervisor. I was incredibly lucky to have had a great workshopping experience with the tutor who later became my supervisor, and was thrilled when he accepted the request. Interestingly enough, my genre was something he was unfamiliar with, being primarily a poet, but I had chosen him because he really engaged with the work in a way that I hadn’t experienced with the other tutors.
Something I think is important when workshopping is to leave your ego at the door. That goes for the reader and the writer. When we leave our ego behind, we also get rid of our personal hang-ups and biases, which can stand in the way of properly engaging with the piece in front of us. This was what I experienced with my supervisor, and it was wonderful. How he engaged with my writing meant that I was able to bring it to its best place, that I was posed questions about things I’d never considered, and that the piece was transformed in the best way possible. It was honestly a privilege to experience.
I always came out of supervisions glowing and excited because the discussions always fed my mind, fuelling my creative and technical abilities. Even if I had been posed some difficult questions that I needed to go away and figure out answers to, that was part of the whole thing that was so rewarding. I was being pushed to grow, and it was exciting to experience.
Retrospectively, my creative professional life flourishing was really important for me during this time. My personal life was something of a battlefield with bombs raining down or mines exploding underfoot, and I was trying to get it and others through things as untouched as possible. Although this was, at times, a massive distraction from my work, the fact that my work was so enjoyable and easy because of the enjoyment was vital to getting through the year.
For me, I work best when in a state of emotional equilibrium. Creation takes mental energy and effort, and if you’re drained it really can be difficult. Similarly, for emotionally charged scenes, or ones where a deft touch was required, I needed to access my own emotions to channel them onto the page, and when in a disturbed or distracted state, that becomes extremely difficult. Despite such hurdles, however, my writing was my haven, when I could shut myself in my room, turn on my writing playlist, and just fall into the world I had created.
All this time I had been working to the notion that if I submitted in August, I would graduate in December, which was when my family had made arrangements to come over for the celebration. From memory, in March, our cohort discovered that the August deadline was actually for the summer graduation of 2020, and that if we wished to graduate in December of 2019, we would have to submit in June. I knew that I had no choice but to submit in June, which gave me about three months to finish a full draft of the piece I was going to submit, and edit it to a publishable standard. This was something I felt equal to. Call me arrogant, but I have always been aware of my abilities, and this felt within reach.
Some important context. The MFA is something of a steppingstone degree between a Masters and a PhD. The first year is taught, the second year is research-based. This meant that our theses would be marked to a PhD standard, with a Viva Committee (consisting of one member of the university faculty, and one external marker) who would mark it. The one grace was that we did not have to make a Viva Defence. The Viva Committee is given three months to mark. After a Viva Committee marks a thesis, they can say it passes with typos, minor corrections, or major corrections. If you receive minor corrections, you get an extra three months to make them.
Naturally, I did not have the time for such anything like minor corrections. So I had three months to make my thesis perfect. Except I didn’t because a family holiday had been planned in May, which would take out a chunk of three weeks. This was something that had been arranged on the understanding that I wouldn’t be submitting until August, and couldn’t be changed. So I had about two months to finish. I was aiming to receive typos, which would be very easy to fix and resubmit.
I spoke with my supervisor and mentor, and they both had every confidence that I would manage it. This was very important to me. It was their job to give me their true estimation and thoughts, and the fact that they honestly believed I could do it, not only finish in the time I had left, but also to the standard I was aiming for, meant a great deal.
What resulted was two months of intensive work, and bringing a literal suitcase of notebooks, notes from my supervisor on previous drafts, and anything else I might need on holiday. It meant I got into a very strict work routine when I was at university in April. Mornings were devoted to work, undisturbed for as long as possible by the continuing shelling my personal life, with my phone out of reach. Then evenings the same, working with music for fuel.
The results of my discipline were that I finished with about two weeks in hand. It was an astonishing feeling. Not just to be finished, but with extra time to ensure that I could have a break from the work before I did a last read through with fresh eyes to catch any typos or last errors and inconsistencies. This was something I had never experienced before. Not simply because I’m usually something of a procrastinator, but also because the work that I read felt perfect. There was nothing I was dissatisfied with. I knew it was the best it could be in that moment.
When the day for submitting my printed and hardbound copies, I was exhausted and it was difficult to feel the excitement that the moment should bring. It was simply a relief, and I was glad. My life afterwards was filled with many good things, wonderful times with friends, making memories that will stay with me for the rest of my life. There was always that faint anxiety about what results I would receive, however, and whether all my hard work had paid off. I had faith in my abilities, I believed I would probably be in for typos. I knew from PhD students that typos would be a huge thing, and a wonderful compliment to the work.
When I received the email in October, one year ago today, that said I had passed without typos, it was honestly another kind of feeling. A few seconds of disbelief, in case I had misread it, then the most enormous wave of excitement and achievement, followed by relief that I had done it, and that my graduation could go ahead in December, with my family’s plans coming to fruition. That moment is still very special.
Whilst I fully recognise my own ability and effort that came to making it come about, I also belief that a hefty chunk of credit has to be given to my supervisor. He helped develop my writing abilities, and through his input the piece was able to transform the unstable draft it had begun as to become something highly polished and worthy of the mark it received. And that really is one of the biggest things about writing and being a writer. We are always learning new things, we are always growing, and that’s really exciting.
So what has happened in the past twelve months since then? COVID-19 obviously has played a huge part in influencing what my life has been like in this time. I was home for barely three months when lockdown began in Melbourne. I’ve always joked that I’m something of a hermit. I am quite happily an extroverted introvert, and I’ve been lucky that lockdown has not be the trial for me that it has been for many, for a multitude of reasons.
In normal times, I would very probably still just be at home, but probably spinning my wheels a bit more than I do when the rest of my family is also at home and working nine to five. Their being here, and doing work, has helped get me into more of a working mindset with my writing, and the results are there to be seen. In my previous personal blog announcement in June (funny how things line up) I had completed my first full novel draft. A truly momentous achievement that still gives me a little thrill when I think about it.
But what about since then? I had thought that I would be spending about two weeks doing some intensive world building, before being able to start work on my second novel in the series, and then edit the first again. It does make me laugh to think back on it. This has not been how things have gone. Since June I have spent the past four months (now about to start the fifth) world building.
On a large scale, this has involved creating whole civilisations, histories, cultures, religions, ecological systems, governments, and geography. On the smaller scale, this has meant that I have had to revisit characters who are old to me, but who will be new in the second novel, rediscovering and reworking, sometimes completely ditching old material that comes from as far back as 2013 in some cases. This is all vital. And it is imperative that I have taken my time with this.
When I had thought I could get it all done in a few weeks, I had pushed myself to churn out an incredible amount of work. This was all creation and decisions which take a lot more out of you mentally than you might think. I very quickly realised two things. One, that there was far more work than I had initially thought, and two, that it was not sustainable to work as intensely as I was.
As a result, the past four months have been slow, repetitive, sometimes a little bit demoralising, and filled with rest breaks. I will not say that it has all been easy, pleasant, and exciting, because it absolutely has not been. It’s been an absolute uphill slog, with fits and starts of inspiration when information has thundered out onto the page, and then suddenly dried up. The lack of the traditional empirical measures of achievement (for writing – page numbers, word count, chapters) has certainly played a part in feeling like I’m running and running on the spot but not getting anywhere, even though I’m definitely covering ground. There are some instances where I’ve hit a wall for several days, burning the time up trying to move forward and not gaining any traction, then looked back on it with frustration. There have been days where it feels like each task I cross off only gives rise to another four like a hydra of plot holes and idea creation, making it feel like this will never end.
Is it OK for me to feel frustrated? Of course. That’s just part of the cycle. But I don’t let myself only be frustrated or wallow in the inaccurate sense that I’m not getting anywhere.
Despite all the difficulties that I am going through now, there are things that get me through it. I know that all of this work is incredibly important. I am laying the foundations for the world, and that does take time. The information that I create now will inform the rest of the series, and I need to get it right, because once the first book is published, I will be held to whatever is established in that. If I don’t get it right now, there will be few chances down the line to fix it. In addition to that, I will never get another opportunity to take such an extended break from writing to world build like this. And it’s important that I utilise that opportunity, and take my time, instead of getting frustrated and trying to rush myself through it.
So as much as these four months have been slow and difficult, they have also been an exercise in patience, grace, and self-knowledge. Even though I get frustrated with the work and the pace, I never get frustrated with myself. I know when I need breaks, and I make sure I get them, and without any sense of guilt to accompany them. I know that what I am trying to achieve needs time and will take a lot of effort, and I accordingly make sure that I treat this like the marathon that it is, rather than attempting to sprint the full course and running myself into the ground before I even get a fifth of the way.
All of this said, I am feeling tentatively confident that I am beginning to come to the end of this period of extensive world building. There is, of course, a huge possibility that I’ve missed or forgotten something, even with my lists of questions to aid me. I won’t hang out the flags just yet, but I will say that I think the summit is in sight, and I may well reach it soon. There’s one thing that I certainly will be doing when I get there, whenever that is though, and that will be to enjoy the view and acknowledge all the work that I’ve put in to get there, and just how important it is to my future work on the series.
I haven’t dared to think what my next goal to reach is this year, or by the end of this year. It is alarming that we’re already in October. I always feel like October, November, and December are the “holiday” months. There’s something about them as a group that feels different to the rest of the year, and October always particularly brings home the sensation that the year is nearly up (even though there’s still a quarter left to go).
On the note of COVID, I do think it’s important to take the time and remember the things that the year has been filled with, and to avoid the notion that it’s all flown by with no achievements or events. This is of particular impact to those, like myself, who have spent a significant portion of the year in lockdown. We all have done things in this time, even if they aren’t the things we had planned or would usually be doing with our year. But this time has not been a waste, and it hasn’t just shot past us all, as much as it may feel like it. We don’t know how long COVID will continue to be a large and deciding factor in our lives, and writing off the time that it occupies as wasted could see more than just one year tossed.
I know that not everyone has something like writing to occupy their time. But there are many things that we can still do when kept to our homes, a lot of it comes down to how we choose to spend that time.
